lacey days

12/3/09 So here I am, wondering what the hell.
I'm trying not to dwell on the negative... I actually succeeded for a few hours today by listening to recordings by masteringalchemy.com, a truely amazing site with freeeeee energy tools and seminars. This morning I was thinking I really did not want to be here anymore. Thanksgiving was amazingly good. Tom did not get drunk, and neither did my brother (who I am glad is realizing there is more to life than getting drunk every night.) My religious father and his wife were pleasant and I found I could actually laugh (inwardly of course) at thier tyranical political views (obama is a communist and wants to convert the u.s into muslim) and the comment that "did it worry me my daughter was flaunting her breasts". Hmmmm
She did crash her car! the day before thanksgiving which has been a huge emotional growth for me to deal with. Not quite sure how to handle it, like a good mother "SHOULD", part of me wants to strangle her, definately scream, ground her for 2 years, etc. but alas, I remember she is just an immature incapable teenager. who of course does not appreciate anything we do for her, Oh, and then the phone bill has an extra $220 charge cause of long distance calls and she went over her texting limit! God did I screw up somewhere with her? There is probably some kind of destiny/karma payback. Obviously the issue with my daughter is sensitive. And then Tom had to go and get drunk 2 days in a row, even after he told me he wouldn't. He is such an asshole when he drinks. I don't deserve this. My betrayal pictures are huge right now. The last thing is that we are really broke, not much job market here. But Thankyou, to my bro who loaned us $1000 til the land sale goes thru. So, right this second in the present time, all is good. Maybe it is because I'm not at home? hmmmm

11/12/09
Words of the day... Love and Gratitude
Well, hmmm.... here I am, unemployed. hmmm
Its rather interesting, feeling uncertain and out of control. I haven't been unemployed this long in 30 years. I love not working, its the challenge of paying bills that steals my focus. Bills, how did we ever get to This? Anyway, I am working on my abundance factor.
My daughter was referred to Juvenile Court in April due to excessive absences... She has a chronic attitude/stomach/stress problem. It has been utter hell, dealing with the court system and control freaks. Then, Rather than being a victim, I realized I Could be Senior, and control my/her current court destiny. I asked my healing masters (helpful spirit guides) to set up the meeting with the principal to go "more than well", and whalah they offered that she sign up for a "504" plan ( a document stating her chronic condition and need for excused absences and that the teachers work with her to keep her grades up). It was soo easy, we got it the next day. Then the Judge from hell refused to acknowledge the 504 until our court date 3 weeks later (apparently she has the right by law to wait 60 days!). So we waited, (a test of my ability to trust and surrender) and in the meanwhile I hired a lawyer. No more fooling around. Not that I could afford it but it was well worth it. Come Court date, I asked the healing masters to set up the court room with good juju and magic happened, the Judge cannot deny the legal "paper trail" I created, or the lawyer who would not take any shit from her, and she dismissed us, just like that, after 6 months of torture. Of course she did try to make us feel guilty but to no avail. Was it just a coincidance? I don't think so.
I was employed for 1 month temporarily, Now I am applying for unemployment, and wouldn't you know it they are scrutinizing the reasons I left my last job 6 months ago (I worked there for 3.5 years). So I sent my healing masters again, we'll see.

Check out this utube site about the utterly amazing energy of water. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwgEMssaqwg&feature=related
there are 9 parts, truely amazing, I feel different after watching this.

OHMYGAWD

It must have been in the stars...
All in one week, one day actually, i popped and the universe popped back. I quit my job (2 week notice) on a Friday. Then I went looking for a new job, and 2 of the women at the places I was applying recongnized me as "the local breastfeeding specialist" which I USED to do years ago. They asked for help, I was dumb founded as it had been sooo long since I had had any request. then a THIRD call from someone I have known casually for years, begging for help with Breastfeeding. I went and we experience a miracle. She got the healing she needed via me as the conduit, and I got a big hello from the universe. WhenI returned home, my husband insisted that I tell him what I was planning, he "could just feel that I wanted to tell him something". So, I told him I was moving out, leaving, going, (when I found a place). He responded like a shocked, hurt alcoholic would. He drank more. shut down more. Then one day more and he began to cave. when he let his heart finally open, he cried and we "connected".

my commandments

Though shalt not speaketh like thiseth

1 Honor life... it is a privilege to be on this earth and having earthly "physical" experiences.
2. Honor conception... it is truly a miracle, (I guess miracles really do happen everyday)
it is happening everywhere all the time, miracles are abundant on this planet.
3. Honor each individuals' ability to make choices for his or herself...that is why we are here, to choose, to learn, to choose again, to learn again.....
3. Honor children... they are closest to remembering the divine spiritual source. They still remember the wisdom that adults have forgotten. They are great teachers. They only forget when adults deny that their knowledge is truth. Children instinctually know they are divine. They become un learned by adults.
4. Honor the Earth... this place is truly amazing when you are willing to look and experience her! Nature is a miracle, an amazing creation. Honor does not know destruction.
5. Experience Acknowledgment and gratitude for your consumptions... Are you grateful for really good food maybe even regular meals? Clean Water? A roof over your head? Utilities? Technology? transportation? clothes? Endless Toys/Electronics/accessories/stuff? PAPER?
6. Honor self...Give thanks to the Divine through out and within. In the commandment " take no strange gods before me"... well, basically divine is inside us, ever permeating within and without, so believing that god only exists outside us is... blasphemy.
7.

This is still in edit mode more to come

children and parenting

This is a big one for me right now:
"No one ever really explained how and what is it like to be a parent,or even tried to. I didn't know I was supposed to ask, either.

Raising Children is far more challenging than anything you will ever experience"!

probably because we(adults in america) are so ill equipped and unprepared.

Why isn't there any training, or preparatory? They offer "career counseling" in High School after all! They teach Home ech and small engine repair. I might know where kids come from but NOT how to parent. I am still struggling after 15 years, to balance me/my life and nurturing them. Frankly, I don't see how they can really fit in one glass.
By the way I didn't learn how to juggle either. apparently that was not considered important when I was growing up.

I worry for my daughters that someday they will freak and have strife too. I do not want them to "get what they deserve" from what they put me through (why do we even think and say that?).

How can I be a good, loving, calm, nurturing, guiding mother when I am really just a wounded child myself.
At least I am right now.

astrology and me

Virgos
If any of you know about astrology, I am re-aquainting myself with my astrological chart in an effort to understand myself and make sense of my "ways". Much enlightenment comes from understanding your individual nuances. All of a sudden I am what I am because of what I am, and not because I'm crazy or making things up or even being manic. I am what I am.
I feel less out of control when I know there is a reason why I am . I went to astology.com for free mini explanations and horoscopes it helps to have your time of birth.
and, I always will be. not sure if I like all of that, but ...
I am Leo sun sign, however, I have multiple areas in Virgo (Uranus, venus, pluto and moon) and my Ascendant/Rising.

Virgo is intense! my first inclination is not to like Virgo, yet I must find a way, cause... I need to like myself.
This
is part
of my journey

If you pay attention you would learn this is part of me

I'm a rebel for the most part (or rightly labeled because I do what is good for me not what the crowd is doing), I think for myself, I like to make people think.
"Swim against the current, even a dead fish can swim down stream" quote by Jim Hytower

I like to shock people by being an example of what could be, make them think or feel for once, wake up out of their boring simple same way of doing things lives

I am a catalyst, mostly by my example, however I don't practice preaching

I am responsible for myself, That is the truth, the difference between most people and me is that I know I am responsible for myself. I am not on the road to being a victim and allowing others to make choices for me, then blaming them for it.
Being self responsible means:
*Taking care of my health-I am self taught in the use of herbs, homeopathy, energy work and the many facets of healthy living. This empowers me to take care of myself and my family in a loving and nurturing way, I choose not to give up my power to others, especially those "care providers" who don't know me/my family or care who we really are. I use medical services only when necessary (which, isn't often).

* I am a life long learner, I search for answers, I am curious, I like to figure things out, fix things (including household items!?)

*I am inspired by the TRUTH, I see it, hear it, know it (intuitive of it). I often feel an overwhelming desire to speak it, sometimes it is painful for others to hear. I have had to learn to edit my words around others who are not ready to hear some of the truth that is so painfully obvious to me. Does anyone out there ever get punished for speaking the TRUTH?

*I believe in my Feminine Power and all womens Creative Power. I gave birth to my children at home, the last was unassisted by choice and born in 30 minutes. I breastfed them for a very long time. Don't misunderstand- Feminine Power is not JUST birthing and breastfeeding. But it is a power that we have chosen to give up to men.

*I believe a Woman has choices- Conception, Abortion... It is everyones right to have choices about when/if to raise a child, being a parent is a BIG BIG BIG responsibility, that is being sadly abused. I also, believe that girls and boys should be taught responsible birth control, by learning about their body and fertile cycles and honoring that part of us. Choosing to not have intercourse or consciously choosing a healthy birth control. Why do we perpetuate unconscious sex? Unconscious pregnancy, Unconscious birthing, Unconscious parenting?
It is a choice, sometimes hard, to raise a healthy person.

*Human bodies are sacred -My children are not Vaccinated, and they are extremely healthy, and intelligent. We do not have a "family" doctor, which frankly I am proud of, especially if you knew what is available in a rural conservative patriarchal community. Remember this is Utah, lots of "sheep". They may do the research and choose or not to choose vaccination when they take responsibility for themselves.

*I believe in the power of womens bodies - I have been a doula and breastfeeding consultant, supporting and reminding women to remember their innate abilities, to find trust again. I gave it up because there are few and far between those women and men who want to own and trust their power.

*I believe in creative and stimulating education-I have helped to start an elementary charter school (6 years now), focusing on project based learning, hands on curriculum, and teaching thru many different learning styles. It continues to be an amazing struggle to create a healthy education with societal beliefs pushing down very hard! Not to mention all the beaurocratic bullshit that a public entity has to do.
moabcharterschool.org

*I am a liberal in a non democratic Country, and a Republican State, this could go on forever.

*I trust there is Divine in Both sexes although this population is in denial. I struggle with the patriarchal authority in this feminine goddess planet we inhabit. I don't get it, why do we buy into it? Its not the truth.
Men are great, they are strong and have talents that are different than women but, since when and why did the talents of women become "wrong" or less than?

* I am not rich( by american standards, nor poor by third world standards), I do not have medical insurance, I have been on food stamps and used medicaid in the past, have had credit card debt, and yet I am very wealthy among many nations standards. It is difficult to acknowledge my wealth in a country where we are inundated with propaganda telling us that we must have more to be happy.

*I Do not have a college degree, yet, I have attended trade schools, and worked for myself for 13 years of my 26 working years. I am not lazy, however, I have Acknowledged that I really do not like work. Its a dumbing down activity. College will (maybe) give me more opportunity for boring work but I would probably still want to be creative. Lets Face it.... Working sucks! I'm trying to figure out how to not work.
"Everyday its the same old thing, BREATH, BREATH, BREATH!"

*I own my own home which my husband and I built ourselves from scratch, with out a original loan, piece by fucking piece/year by year/dollar by dollar (we are still building after 15 years, however very comfortable in it) Except now we have termites.. hmmm. The truth is that 5 years ago we did get a USDA rural housing loan to finish some projects, and last year we got a small equity loan to pay off that GOD DAMMED CREDIT CARD DEBT that creeps up on americans trying to live the "good" life(learned my lesson there). So we do actually owe $27K not bad for an american.

*I am a hopeless Romantic, I don't think my husband really knows what ROMANTIC MEANS. (I do not read romance novels.) Romance has nothing to do with sex, making love is not sex. Sex is fun, sure, but superficial, somehow lacking "something", lacking Integrity. I believe in a kind of love that reaches deep down in the soul. Eye contact that says eternity. Heart palpitations, twittering muscles, erratic breathing, hyper alertness, yearning, connection, fulfillment, a sense of belonging.
Maybe romance is a feminine characteristic... I refuse to give up believing that men are capable of it, after all the feminine and masculine are contained within. one only has to choose to remember.I experienced this deep loving when my husband and I first were together, but he quickly forgot how to connect when he became overwhelmed with "Life". I mourn for this. He will loose me for this.

*I am psychic, I have always been (as we all are) and I chose to turn off/down in order to survive in a world of denial. 10 years ago I attended classes to strengthen psychic abilities and inner healing and I have been studying it /believing in it ever since, it has CHANGED my life. Energetic healing is absolutely amazing!
I like being aware, enlightened, seeing the truth, however it has consequences. Some "Others" don't like me to see the truth, know the truth, speak the truth.

*I was sexually abused by my LDS (mormon) father. I am still trying to forgive him and his choices as well as the LDS society (all religions) who teach us all to deny that it exists(its a patriarchal thing). I am trying to make peace with the reason I created that experience in my life. It doesn't bother me much anymore, I have done a lot of healing for the last 30 years around this. Homeopathy helps too. The really sad thing is that I now have no relationship with my dad. Except for a wishing relationship. He has guilt and so does not reach out and I have a....... lack of respect. He has yet to acknowledge that he did it, and apologize. probably never will.

*I have Strong spiritual beliefs - organized religion is not for me. I grew up in an LDS family, lots of guilt, lots of patriarchal rules, lots of denial, lots of pretend happiness, lots of pretend ways of living, Complete denial that divine lives within. Complete denial of women. Denial of Human ness, I could go on for ever. My mother eventually became so depressed and angry that she searched for a way out of her dismal life story. She "saw the light" and realized the hypocricy in it all, and my parents divorced. But not until after the church exploited her as an evil woman. Thank god and goodness that my mother "saved" me from that predicament and opened my eyes to other, more real, TRUTHFUL possibilities. I actually know a lot of LDS People now, and many of them are wonderful generous kind people, just like some of my non LDS acquaintances. And some are complete jerks. I believe in the divine that exists. purely and simply. I don't think that it has any boundaries.

*I am sensitive-physically, emotionally, spiritually, psychically. only now, I can choose to be proud of it, now I understand that being sensitive means I am "aware" . That I honor the Truth. I have stopped 'turning off" my self. My body feels everything. i.e. toxic or artificial ingredients, other peoples pain or mal intent, etc. There are more and more people who are "waking up", some know they are waking up, and some don't, they just wonder why they feel different.


I believe in Alternative everything (Usually there is a lot of TRUTH in Alternatives)

recycling, reducing, reusing, conscious purchasing
ecobuilding, organic farming, sustainable farming
all aspects of alternative healing: (massage, natureopathy, chakras/auras, crystals, Juice therapy, ortho bionomy, meditation, flower essences, good vitamins, medical intuitives, energetic healings, Native American beliefs, Eastern medicines, positive thinking, etc.)
Divine Feminine Power
Democracy Now news
Sacred Geometry
Peace groups
Charter Schools
That Children are Divine, we can learn from them
Indigo children
Energy work of all kinds
Alternate Dimensions and realities
Plants have feelings
Animals and Animal totems
Spirituality other than Organized Religions
Ancient Wisdom
Past and Future Lifetimes
The Etherial
eating Green Algaes
Kinesiology
Organic foods when affordable