12/3/09 So here I am, wondering what the hell.
I'm trying not to dwell on the negative... I actually succeeded for a few hours today by listening to recordings by masteringalchemy.com, a truely amazing site with freeeeee energy tools and seminars. This morning I was thinking I really did not want to be here anymore. Thanksgiving was amazingly good. Tom did not get drunk, and neither did my brother (who I am glad is realizing there is more to life than getting drunk every night.) My religious father and his wife were pleasant and I found I could actually laugh (inwardly of course) at thier tyranical political views (obama is a communist and wants to convert the u.s into muslim) and the comment that "did it worry me my daughter was flaunting her breasts". Hmmmm
She did crash her car! the day before thanksgiving which has been a huge emotional growth for me to deal with. Not quite sure how to handle it, like a good mother "SHOULD", part of me wants to strangle her, definately scream, ground her for 2 years, etc. but alas, I remember she is just an immature incapable teenager. who of course does not appreciate anything we do for her, Oh, and then the phone bill has an extra $220 charge cause of long distance calls and she went over her texting limit! God did I screw up somewhere with her? There is probably some kind of destiny/karma payback. Obviously the issue with my daughter is sensitive. And then Tom had to go and get drunk 2 days in a row, even after he told me he wouldn't. He is such an asshole when he drinks. I don't deserve this. My betrayal pictures are huge right now. The last thing is that we are really broke, not much job market here. But Thankyou, to my bro who loaned us $1000 til the land sale goes thru. So, right this second in the present time, all is good. Maybe it is because I'm not at home? hmmmm
Life
Welcome to my Blog
I hope you enjoy reading some of my inner thoughts and interpretations of my life experience. As well, I hope to be your witness and together we will be co-acknowledging/co-healing.
This blog is part of my quest to make sense of this life and physical experiences. To find more clarity and a true sense of direction.
My new Motto:
I hope you enjoy reading some of my inner thoughts and interpretations of my life experience. As well, I hope to be your witness and together we will be co-acknowledging/co-healing.
This blog is part of my quest to make sense of this life and physical experiences. To find more clarity and a true sense of direction.
My new Motto:
"I exist, therefore I am loved."
About Me
- divadeanna
- I'm blowing in the wind of being me. Self help thru blogging is my current tactic. I am much aware of my need to express, create, witness, acknowledge and be catalyst to those who may be experiencing life in a somewhat similar fashion.
Partnerships
I believe in true love, and destiny and soul mates.
my partner is all of those. When I met him... oh, my god. I have never felt anything so powerful since.
however we have many challenges, mostly because we started a family before we even knew each other.
My advice to anyone thinking about growing up-
Getting married is not the Cinderella story!
First you have to figure out how to live with another person, and all of their (and your) nuances, and to live with them thru some stress to know how they become. remember marriage is generally for a very long time!
Love is blind, its true. You become blind to a huge amount of behaviors that will bother you later. Allow yourself a very long time to get to know your lover in every possible way, Co mingle, co focus, co create, and co fix so you know how to do it when there is real stress.
Have lots of Fun and be crazy, (cause once you have children your life will never be the same again. For real.)
Conciously choose together as a team, to always grow and change, be flexible, and listen to each other. perhaps this way you both will know what to do when "the shiteth is hitting the fan". Practice active teamwork.
You See, I didn't know that before, neither did my partner, and now we are trying to "run in mud". It doesn't work very well. We are getting tired . Not to mention the added stress of family, home, career, and I think usually there should be fun in that list however, there is not time for fun.
This I need to work on.
.
my partner is all of those. When I met him... oh, my god. I have never felt anything so powerful since.
however we have many challenges, mostly because we started a family before we even knew each other.
My advice to anyone thinking about growing up-
Getting married is not the Cinderella story!
First you have to figure out how to live with another person, and all of their (and your) nuances, and to live with them thru some stress to know how they become. remember marriage is generally for a very long time!
Love is blind, its true. You become blind to a huge amount of behaviors that will bother you later. Allow yourself a very long time to get to know your lover in every possible way, Co mingle, co focus, co create, and co fix so you know how to do it when there is real stress.
Have lots of Fun and be crazy, (cause once you have children your life will never be the same again. For real.)
Conciously choose together as a team, to always grow and change, be flexible, and listen to each other. perhaps this way you both will know what to do when "the shiteth is hitting the fan". Practice active teamwork.
You See, I didn't know that before, neither did my partner, and now we are trying to "run in mud". It doesn't work very well. We are getting tired . Not to mention the added stress of family, home, career, and I think usually there should be fun in that list however, there is not time for fun.
This I need to work on.
.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
10/09 Moved back home
Well, I've been living outside of my marriage home, caretaking a house, since May. Its been wonderful and interesting. I have felt freedom, space, happiness, yet still a sense of uncertainty that was continually an uncomfortable energy in my exhistance. I moved back to my marriage home 2 weeks ago. I'm strangely in a different layer of relating than ever before, there is a familiarity yet I am different. I have been moving energy in high capacity mode for 4 months now, and am intent on raising my vibration. Even in the face of the story around me that has not changed. I have recently found a most amazing program on the internet which supports this intent. I highly recommend only those who are concious of thier higher self/higher mind to listen. It will change your life and being. Masteringalchemy.com. Listen to all the energy tools then the archives.
My husband is still drinking, however we have identified a spirit in his space that is intent on creating dischord with him and all his relationships, which includes me and our oldest daughter. Identifying this spirit has brought a conciousness to drinking, his desires, his lack of will etc. And... I am actively removing my agreements that allow this spirit to affect me. I am aware that I was more of me, while I lived away, and can feel how different (lower) I become living at home, inhabiting with the spirit. Justs being aware, changes its ability to manipulate me. Its all very interesting. I am understanding now that I am not "what I do, for a living" what I do is just a means to an end. I am continually moving and changing and the job I hold is no more to me than the clothes I choose to wear.
4/09 I live with an alcoholic, its dysfunctional. No one knows that we are not a happy normal couple. I just realized how my life with him has been a series of manipulations . I'm embarrassed to be a part of it. but here I still am. I just recovered from the worst flu of my adult life. He decided to drink the whole time and thus I was left to fend for myself. Consequently, when the fever broke I realized I'd had enough and I did not want to grow old with this person. I'm in shock. and not sure how to step out of this.
6/09 I just made it happen, or it just happened cause I was open to it. I have a free caretaking place to live, 1 block away from my home. Now I finally have" space", a sanctuary. It was weird at first, so quiet, no chores, no kids. Now I look forward to the simpleness and quiet. No T.V. blaring, No mess staring at me to clean, None of his stuff, and no HIM. When I want to visit, I just do. And when I don't, I just don't. I read a great book called the Verbally Abusive Relationship, it opened up my mind and gave me much needed validation. Funny really how my Whole life had been speckled with people who were abusing me (and I allowed it not knowing that I could say no) Its most likely Genetic. Anyway, now I am validated that what I new deep in my soul to be hurtful and wrong was true. I doubt myself less. The validation has given me a reason to have boundaries. Aside from that I quit my Job, which was abusive as well and they were taking me for granted. So interestingly enough, now I am unemployed and living in a temp house, reevaluating my significant relationship, looking for a job, and trying to make sense or at least "Go with it".
My husband is still drinking, however we have identified a spirit in his space that is intent on creating dischord with him and all his relationships, which includes me and our oldest daughter. Identifying this spirit has brought a conciousness to drinking, his desires, his lack of will etc. And... I am actively removing my agreements that allow this spirit to affect me. I am aware that I was more of me, while I lived away, and can feel how different (lower) I become living at home, inhabiting with the spirit. Justs being aware, changes its ability to manipulate me. Its all very interesting. I am understanding now that I am not "what I do, for a living" what I do is just a means to an end. I am continually moving and changing and the job I hold is no more to me than the clothes I choose to wear.
4/09 I live with an alcoholic, its dysfunctional. No one knows that we are not a happy normal couple. I just realized how my life with him has been a series of manipulations . I'm embarrassed to be a part of it. but here I still am. I just recovered from the worst flu of my adult life. He decided to drink the whole time and thus I was left to fend for myself. Consequently, when the fever broke I realized I'd had enough and I did not want to grow old with this person. I'm in shock. and not sure how to step out of this.
6/09 I just made it happen, or it just happened cause I was open to it. I have a free caretaking place to live, 1 block away from my home. Now I finally have" space", a sanctuary. It was weird at first, so quiet, no chores, no kids. Now I look forward to the simpleness and quiet. No T.V. blaring, No mess staring at me to clean, None of his stuff, and no HIM. When I want to visit, I just do. And when I don't, I just don't. I read a great book called the Verbally Abusive Relationship, it opened up my mind and gave me much needed validation. Funny really how my Whole life had been speckled with people who were abusing me (and I allowed it not knowing that I could say no) Its most likely Genetic. Anyway, now I am validated that what I new deep in my soul to be hurtful and wrong was true. I doubt myself less. The validation has given me a reason to have boundaries. Aside from that I quit my Job, which was abusive as well and they were taking me for granted. So interestingly enough, now I am unemployed and living in a temp house, reevaluating my significant relationship, looking for a job, and trying to make sense or at least "Go with it".
1 comment:
Deanna, are you selling your land in Castle Valley?
Great blog site.
Carl
Post a Comment